The surrendered wife by laura doyle pdf

 

    Read The Surrendered Wife PDF - A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace by Laura Doyle Touchstone | A New York Times. Like millions of women, Laura Doyle wanted her marriage to be better. The Surrendered Wife - Laura Doyle That is the essence of a surrendered wife. Passion and Peace PDF. [E.b.o.o.k] The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy,. Passion and Peace by by Laura Doyle. PDF File: [E.b.o.o.k].

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    The Surrendered Wife By Laura Doyle Pdf

    Read "The Surrendered Wife A Practical Guide for Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace with a Man" by Laura Doyle available from Rakuten Kobo. Sign up. Editorial Reviews. capersterpmofor.ml Review. Self-proclaimed "feminist and former shrew" Laura Doyle sets forth a whopper of a game plan for establishing profound. This controversial approach to marriage has transformed thousands of relationships, bringing women romance, harmony, and the intimacy they crave.

    Like millions of women, Laura Doyle wanted her marriage to be better. But when she tried to get her husband to be more romantic, helpful, and ambitious, he withdrew—and she was lonely and exhausted from controlling everything. Desperate to be in love with her man again, she decided to stop telling him what to do and how to do it. When Doyle surrendered control, something magical happened. The union she had always dreamed of appeared. The man who had wooed her was back. The underlying principle of The Surrendered Wife is simple: The control women wield at work and with children must be left at the front door of any marriage. Laura Doyle's model for matrimony shows women how they can both express their needs and have them met while also respecting their husband's choices. When they do, they revitalize intimacy. Compassionate and practical, The Surrendered Wife is a step-by-step guide that teaches women how to: Give up unnecessary control and responsibility Resist the temptation to criticize, belittle, or dismiss their husbands Trust their husbands in every aspect of marriage—from sexual to financial And more.

    When we arrived in one piece, I decided that I would always trust him behind the wheel, no matter how strong my urge to control. Next, I stopped buying his clothes yes, even his underwear , even though I worried that he wouldn't buy any for himself.

    I was wrong. I learned what not to do from making painful mistakes, like criticizing the way he maintained the cars, which made me feel like my mother when she was cranky and caused him to watch TV for four straight hours. I prayed for wisdom, and took more baby steps towards approaching the relationship without control. Slowly but surely, things started to change.

    As I stopped bossing him around, giving him advice, burying him in lists of chores to do, criticizing his ideas and taking over every situation as if he couldn't handle it, something magical happened.

    The union I dreamed of appeared. The man who wooed me was back. We were intimate again. Instead of keeping a running list of complaints about how childish and irresponsible he was, I felt genuine gratitude and affection for John. We were sharing our responsibilities without blame or resentment. Instead of bickering all the time, we were laughing together, holding hands, dancing in the kitchen and enjoying an electrifying closeness that we hadn't had for years.

    For our ninth wedding anniversary, I changed my last name to match my husband's. What I really meant was that I wanted to be intimate with John in a way that I never was before. I wanted to do something that symbolized my tremendous respect for him, and to acknowledge outwardly an inward shift.

    This was the natural development of a path I had started some time ago without realizing it. I certainly didn't change overnight. At first, I felt uneasy when I held my tongue instead of expressing my opinion about everything. Restraining myself from correcting my husband felt like trying to write with my left hand.

    Life had become awkward! Surrendering was a gradual process that steadily reinforced itself with positive results. Over time, I formed new habits. When I found myself slipping back into my old ways, I stopped to ask myself, "Which do I want more: To have control of every situation or to have an intimate marriage? To remind myself of my new priorities, I adopted the word "surrender" as my mantra, because it was shorter and more to the point than saying, "stop trying to control everything.

    This book isn't about dumbing down or being rigid. It's certainly not about subservience. It's about following some basic principles that will help you change your habits and attitudes to restore intimacy to your marriage.

    It's about having a relationship that brings out the best in both of you, and growing together as spiritual beings.

    Surrendering is both gratifying and terrifying, but the results - peace, joy, and feeling good about yourself and your marriage - are proven. A surrendered wife is abundant where she used to feel impoverished, and typically has more disposable income and more satisfying, connected sex than she did before she surrendered. My sister, Hannah Childs, related the philosophy of the surrendered wife to her experience as a ballroom dance teacher.

    This is not to say that both roles are not equally important. It is rare that I find a woman who can resist 'backleading. Quite simply, they would not be in sync, but rather would be tripping over each other and eventually pulling apart. Instead, Ginger let Fred lead her, trusting that he was making her look good and keeping her from harm.

    Instead of Fred diminishing her, Ginger allowed him to be the foil - the partner - for her talent. Similarly, I want my husband to bring out my very best. At a young age, some of our most basic needs went unmet. This could be the result of any number of things: the untimely death of a parent or the frustrations of a family member's addiction.

    It could have been the consequence of relatively small things, like not getting the tennis shoes we desperately needed to fit in at school, or having to adjust to less attention because of the arrival of another sibling.

    Whatever the cause, we then made an erroneous conclusion that no one would ever take care of us the way we wanted. We embraced a childish belief that if we were always in charge, things were more likely to go our way. Some of us were so used to living in fear about not getting what we needed that we never even noticed our quickened pulse and shallow breathing.

    We normalized this level of terror and our accompanying auto-response: Taking control.

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    Just as fish are always the last to discover they are in the ocean, those of us who survive by trying to control things around us are often the last to recognize our behavior.

    We tell ourselves that we are trying to instruct, improve, help others, or do things efficiently - never that we are so afraid of the unpredictable that we do everything in our power to insure a certain outcome. For instance, I thought I was merely making helpful suggestions when I told my husband that he should ask for a raise. When I urgently exclaimed that we should have turned right instead of left while riding in a friend's car who knew perfectly well how to get to our destination, I reasoned that I was trying to save time and avoid traffic.

    When I tried to convince my brother that he really should get some therapy, I justified butting into his life as wanting "to be there for him. If I had trusted that my husband was earning as much money as he could, I wouldn't have emasculated him by implying that I found him lacking ambition. If I had trusted my friend to get us to our destination in a reasonable time, I wouldn't have barked out orders about where to turn, leaving a cold frost on the inside of the car.

    The Surrendered Wife

    If I had trusted my brother to make his own way in the world, he would've felt more inclined to continue to share the emotional milestones of his life with me.

    Trusting is magical because people tend to live up to our expectations. If you make it clear to your husband that you expect him to screw up at work, wreck the car, or neglect his health, you are setting a negative expectation.

    If on the other hand, you expect him to succeed, he is much more likely to do just that. When you trust, you don't need to double-check, make back-up plans or be vigilant because you're not expecting any danger.

    You can sleep with both eyes shut, knowing that everything's going to be fine. It bears repeating: When you trust, you are anticipating the best outcome.

    Those of us who have trouble trusting others when every rational indicator says that we are safe are reacting to our own fear. We may be afraid that we won't get what we need, or that we'll get it too late. It could be fear that we'll spend too much money, or have to do extra work. It could also be, and often is, fear of loneliness, boredom or discomfort. If you are like me and find yourself driven to correct, criticize and conquer a partner, then you are reacting to your fears.

    Whatever the situation, if you do not react to your fear of the outcome, you don't need to try to dominate, manipulate or control it. I hid my softness as much as I could because I believed it was unattractive. Ironically, the people I found most endearing and easiest to connect with had the ability to expose their real fears, joys, guilt, needs and sadness.

    I was drawn to their openness and warmth. I found them engaging. When I was choosing control over vulnerability, I was doing so at the expense of intimacy. What I know now is that control and intimacy are opposites. If I want one, I can't have the other.

    Without being vulnerable, I can't have intimacy. About The Book A New York Times bestseller, this controversial guide to improving your marriage has transformed thousands of relationships, bringing women romance, harmony, and the intimacy they crave.

    Like millions of women, Laura Doyle wanted her marriage to be better. But when she tried to get her husband to be more romantic, helpful, and ambitious, he withdrew—and she was lonely and exhausted from controlling everything. Desperate to be in love with her man again, she decided to stop telling him what to do and how to do it. When Doyle surrendered control, something magical happened. The union she had always dreamed of appeared.

    Surrendered wife - Wikipedia

    The man who had wooed her was back. The underlying principle of The Surrendered Wife is simple: The control women wield at work and with children must be left at the front door of any marriage. When they do, they revitalize intimacy. Plus, receive recommendations for your next Book Club read. By clicking 'Sign me up' I acknowledge that I have read and agree to the privacy policy and terms of use. Must redeem within 90 days.

    See full terms and conditions and this month's choices. In fact, few things are more important to him than knowing that he has pleased you. Every time I see a man holding his wife's purse in the store, moving across the country to be near her family or driving the old car so she can drive the new one, I'm reminded of just what lengths men will go to ensure their wife's happiness. If you're thinking your husband is different, think again. If he hasn't made any effort on your behalf in a long time, perhaps he has lost faith in his ability to delight you.

    To restore his hope, thank him for the things he has already done that make you happy. Once he sees that he can succeed, his natural instinct to please you will return in full force. Trade the Illusion of Control for a Romantic Reality When I focus on what my husband could be doing better, I enter a fantasy world in which I can change my life by changing him.

    In my fantasy, I can have more romance if I tell him to be more romantic, I can be rich if I tell him to ask for a raise, and I can have an easier time keeping the house tidy if I tell him to clean up after himself.

    Unfortunately, the reality of my control was dreary. Instead of having more romance, I had a distant husband. Instead of more money, I had a resentful husband. Instead of a cleaner house, I had wall-to-wall hostility. When I was honest with myself, I had to admit that controlling, or attempting to control, accomplished nothing. The only product of harboring my illusion was loneliness. It wasn't until I gave it up that romance returned. Don't do it! Instead, remember to express your pain by saying, "Ouch!

    But admitting that you hurt rather than lashing back curtails the fighting because it reminds your husband that his job is to love you, not to hurt you.

    This is a good habit to get into because you will transform a moment of pain into one of intimacy and emotional honesty. Your husband may even apologize for what he said, but even if he doesn't, you can be glad that you avoided saying something you'd probably regret later.

    Bringing Home the Romance The best way to make space for romance in your relationship is to let your husband see that he is safe. By that I mean he should have confidence that you are not going to complain, nag, criticize or dismiss him.

    Once he realizes that you're treating him respectfully, he's more likely to share what he's thinking about and let his guard down -- and you won't have to do any prodding. What's more, his desire to make you happy will resurface. That's when he'll be most inclined to bring you flowers, give you a backrub or tell you how beautiful you are.

    Romance will blossom when you create an atmosphere of safety. The Magic of Gratitude Before I surrendered, I always remembered to complain when my husband didn't do something he was supposed to, but I rarely remembered to thank him for what he had done. Naturally, he felt that his efforts were invisible, as though it didn't matter what he did or how hard he tried. Today, I'm quick to thank him for big and small things alike, even if I consider them his responsibility, such as taking out the trash, driving us home from a late party, or paying the bills.

    I used to worry that if I thanked him, he would come to see those jobs as optional. Now I realize that expressing my gratitude just lets him know I notice how hard he works, and that I don't take it for granted.

    He does more chores than ever even the dishes , and seems happy to do them -- all because I say thank you. Marvel at Your Imperfect Marriage If you're feeling like you can't possibly stand to live with your husband's snoring, laziness or selfishness one more day, spend some time with a single friend to remind yourself what it's like to be alone. First there are the little things: No one to snuggle up with in bed, or help you move the heavy furniture. Then there are the medium things: Nobody to share dinner with every night, help out with the kids or run out for medicine when you're sick.

    And then the big things: Wondering if you're unlovable, knowing that you're the only one you can count on, and always being on the lookout for that special someone. I'm not saying it's better to be with just anybody, but you aren't. You married a man you love and respect, and lucky you -- you still get to be with him. Hug him tight when you see him next. I've noticed lots of women have trouble receiving compliments, and not just because we're trying to be modest. It makes us feel vulnerable to hear those tender words and so to draw attention away from the compliment we make a joke or put ourselves down.

    At times I've felt undeserving of kind words. When I reject them, however, I also miss the chance to acknowledge the person who's complimenting me. This is especially true with my husband, who sometimes says I'm beautiful when I have bed-hair or mascara under my eyes. No matter how uncomfortable I feel taking it in, now I simply smile, look him in the eye and say, "Thank you.

    The Best Time to Be Intimate is in the Present If you're worried that your husband won't feed the kids a nutritious dinner while you're out or pay the bills on time, you're anticipating the future. We all do it, but for the sake of intimacy, it's especially critical to stay in the present. Every second that you spend anticipating what's going to happen is another second that you're not in the relationship.

    Seconds turn to minutes, hours and days. You could miss your whole marriage worrying about ways that your husband will disappoint you. Some women do. Instead of focusing on the future, take a minute to inventory this moment. Just for today, are you okay? Do you have everything that you need? Do you have more than you need? If you find yourself saying "yes, but -- " to this question, take a deep breath and come back to this moment where everything is fine.

    Nothing terrible has happened yet, and it probably won't, but while you went away you may have missed a tender moment, a funny story, or a loving caress from your husband. Intimacy can only be found in the present.

    Put Your Own Pleasure First If you feel overwhelmed by physical and emotional demands and are always counting the days until the weekend, you need to rearrange your schedule and make time for self-care. Until you feel grounded and relaxed, you won't have the energy you need to contribute to intimacy in your relationship. Everyday, do three things that you enjoy doing just because they're pleasurable -- not because they are necessarily productive.

    They can be simple things, like walking barefoot on the grass, reading a trashy novel or taking a hot bath. Lying in the sun or talking to a girlfriend on the phone might make your list, or even watching your favorite TV show. Your self-care will go a long way towards improving your mood and your attitude with everyone in the family, including your husband. In Success Self-Programming, Lee Milteer talks about how one wife complained that her husband had a terrible temper, and every time it flared, she would say, "That's just like you to lose your temper!

    He nearly fell out of his chair. It's about having a relationship that brings out the best in both of you, and growing together as spiritual beings.

    Surrendering is both gratifying and terrifying, but the results - peace, joy, and feeling good about yourself and your marriage - are proven. A surrendered wife is abundant where she used to feel impoverished, and typically has more disposable income and more satisfying, connected sex than she did before she surrendered. My sister, Hannah Childs, related the philosophy of the surrendered wife to her experience as a ballroom dance teacher. This is not to say that both roles are not equally important.

    It is rare that I find a woman who can resist 'backleading. Quite simply, they would not be in sync, but rather would be tripping over each other and eventually pulling apart.

    Instead, Ginger let Fred lead her, trusting that he was making her look good and keeping her from harm. Instead of Fred diminishing her, Ginger allowed him to be the foil - the partner - for her talent.

    Similarly, I want my husband to bring out my very best. At a young age, some of our most basic needs went unmet. This could be the result of any number of things: the untimely death of a parent or the frustrations of a family member's addiction.

    It could have been the consequence of relatively small things, like not getting the tennis shoes we desperately needed to fit in at school, or having to adjust to less attention because of the arrival of another sibling.

    Whatever the cause, we then made an erroneous conclusion that no one would ever take care of us the way we wanted. We embraced a childish belief that if we were always in charge, things were more likely to go our way. Some of us were so used to living in fear about not getting what we needed that we never even noticed our quickened pulse and shallow breathing. We normalized this level of terror and our accompanying auto-response: Taking control.

    Just as fish are always the last to discover they are in the ocean, those of us who survive by trying to control things around us are often the last to recognize our behavior. We tell ourselves that we are trying to instruct, improve, help others, or do things efficiently - never that we are so afraid of the unpredictable that we do everything in our power to insure a certain outcome. For instance, I thought I was merely making helpful suggestions when I told my husband that he should ask for a raise.

    When I urgently exclaimed that we should have turned right instead of left while riding in a friend's car who knew perfectly well how to get to our destination, I reasoned that I was trying to save time and avoid traffic. When I tried to convince my brother that he really should get some therapy, I justified butting into his life as wanting "to be there for him.

    If I had trusted that my husband was earning as much money as he could, I wouldn't have emasculated him by implying that I found him lacking ambition. If I had trusted my friend to get us to our destination in a reasonable time, I wouldn't have barked out orders about where to turn, leaving a cold frost on the inside of the car.

    If I had trusted my brother to make his own way in the world, he would've felt more inclined to continue to share the emotional milestones of his life with me. Trusting is magical because people tend to live up to our expectations. If you make it clear to your husband that you expect him to screw up at work, wreck the car, or neglect his health, you are setting a negative expectation.

    If on the other hand, you expect him to succeed, he is much more likely to do just that. When you trust, you don't need to double-check, make back-up plans or be vigilant because you're not expecting any danger.

    You can sleep with both eyes shut, knowing that everything's going to be fine. It bears repeating: When you trust, you are anticipating the best outcome. Those of us who have trouble trusting others when every rational indicator says that we are safe are reacting to our own fear.

    We may be afraid that we won't get what we need, or that we'll get it too late. It could be fear that we'll spend too much money, or have to do extra work.

    It could also be, and often is, fear of loneliness, boredom or discomfort. If you are like me and find yourself driven to correct, criticize and conquer a partner, then you are reacting to your fears. Whatever the situation, if you do not react to your fear of the outcome, you don't need to try to dominate, manipulate or control it. I hid my softness as much as I could because I believed it was unattractive.

    Ironically, the people I found most endearing and easiest to connect with had the ability to expose their real fears, joys, guilt, needs and sadness. I was drawn to their openness and warmth. I found them engaging. When I was choosing control over vulnerability, I was doing so at the expense of intimacy. What I know now is that control and intimacy are opposites. If I want one, I can't have the other.

    Without being vulnerable, I can't have intimacy. Without intimacy, there can be no romance or emotional connection. When I am vulnerable with my husband, the intimacy, passion and devotion seem to flow naturally.

    Today I try to relinquish control as much as I can and allow myself to be vulnerable. Unfortunately, I still don't do this perfectly, but it doesn't seem to matter. She was always ready to pursue a life in which she could provide everything that she needed for herself without his help. My therapist reminded me that when I first started coming to see her, I was the same way. I often felt I would be better off divorced or with another man who was more fastidious or considerate.

    With the husband of my imagination, I wouldn't have to clean up after him, plan, arrange, organize and check up on everything. My rotten attitude cast gloom over the relationship. I was always on edge, so that the slightest problem seemed like reason enough to end this marriage and hope for a better one next time.

    At the time, I felt so pained and self-righteous that honoring my wedding vows seemed unimportant. Today my friends laugh at me when I tell them this because it seems so ridiculous that I was ready to toss out my perfectly wonderful husband. If you can admit that you frequently or sometimes control, nag, or criticize your husband, then it is up to you and you alone to take the actions described here to restore intimacy to your marriage and dignity and peace to yourself.

    I am not saying that you are responsible for every problem in your marriage. You are not.

    Your husband has plenty of areas he could improve too, but that's nothing you can control. The good news is that since you've identified the behaviors that contribute to your problems, you can begin to solve them. Rather than wasting time thinking about what my husband should do, I prefer to keep all my energy for improving my happiness. The point of my journey was to give up controlling behavior, and to look inward instead of outward.

    I encourage you to do the same. You won't have to look far for someone to tell you that surrendering is crazy, but it isn't. It's not crazy to want romance and passion in your marriage. It's not crazy to want to feel respect for your life partner. It's not crazy to give up doing things that deplete your spirit and ask for help.

    It's not crazy to stop trying to control things you have no control over. It is scary, but it's not crazy. Don't let people who lack your courage tell you otherwise. How it Grew Shortly after I started practicing the steps of The Surrendered Wife, I had the opportunity to share this philosophy with some friends who brought the principles to their marriages.

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